Extreme Flakes
(October 11, 1996)

(enter 2 Extreme Dudes)

EXTREME DUDE #1. Dude, that was awesome!

EXTREME DUDE #2. It was intense!

ED1. That bit where your parachute came off? Man, it looked like you were gonna do the Faceplant Into The Hereafter.

ED2. Yeah, I probably should have fastened the buckle. Good thing I was able to rollerblade off a passing commuter plane onto a nearby butte.

ED1. Yeah, otherwise we wouldn’t have known about that cliff-diving place. Twelve hundred feet of pure vertical!

ED2. Don’t remind me. That bellyflop of mine was heavy.

(enter Extreme Mom.)

ED1. Hi, Mom!

EXTREME MOM. Hi guys! You look tired.

ED2. You bet, Mrs. P! Got any Sunny D?

EM. No. (Dudes look disappointed.) How about some breakfast? (Dudes look enthused.)

ED1. Awesome. What do we have?

EM. How about some cornflakes?

ED1. Corned it.

ED2. Flaked it.

EM. Lucky Charms?

ED2. Fun fruity marshmallows are for wussies, Mrs. D.

ED1. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, sold the movie rights, opened the theme restaurant.

EM. Freudios?

ED2. You are a sick, sick woman, Mrs. X.

ED1. (looking uncomfortable but intrigued) Uh…maybe later, Mom.

EM. Well, you two are hard to please. What do you want?


EM. Extreme Flakes? With the taste of danger in every box?

ED2. Yeah, Mrs. Q! Everyone’s eating ’em!

EM. Now, Chris. If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump after them?

ED1. (after a brief, mildly embarrassed pause.) We just did. (High energy again.) Besides, Mom, every bowl of Extreme Flakes has four times the caffeine of a Mountain Dew!

ED2. And twice the amphetamine of a diet pill, Mrs. Epsilon!

EM. Don’t forget the B-complex vitamins your body needs!

ED1. Can we have some?


EM. Oh, OK. (She brings out two bowls of Extreme Flakes. They are about to dig in.) Hey! Don’t forget your blindfolds! You want the Extreme Treat to be a surprise, don’t you?

ED2. The Extreme Treat, Mrs. “solve for y”?

ED1. Yeah! Every box of extreme Flakes has a special Extreme Treat for added thrills–like broken glass! Razor blades! Lethal doses of heroin! Cyanide capsules! And blowgun darts tipped with curare from the jungle-dwelling Yanomamo tribe!

ED2. Awesome! (They blindfold themselves and pick up their spoons.)

BOTH. Kitchen! Solo! SPOOOONNNNN!!!! (Lights down.)