Man of La Munchies
(October 11, 1996)

(Enter SANCHO, plodding dejectedly. He stops and looks offstage, waiting. Enter DON QUIXOTE, smokin’ a big ol’ blunt.)

SANCHO. Don Quixote, we must make haste if we are to reach the village by nightfall.

DON QUIXOTE. (in a strained full-inhale voice) Dude, chill. (He exhales. Normal voice.) You gotta learn to enjoy the trip, man. And call me Don. (Sancho sighs.) Dude, gimme a brownie.

SANCHO. Senor has eaten all the brownies.

DQ. No way! Man, major bummer. Well, Nacho, how about a Ding Dong?

SANCHO. Sancho.

DQ. What?

SANCHO. My name is Sancho, senor.

DQ. Whatever floats your boat, Nacho. How about the Ding Dong?

SANCHO. Senor has also eaten all the–(Don Quixote is staring into the audience.) Senor?

DQ. Dude. Nacho. Check…that…out.

SANCHO. There is nothing out there but a windmill, senor.

DQ. No, dude, the giant! He’s waving his arms around like he’s nuts or something.

SANCHO. That is a windmill, senor. Senor has smoked too much of the marijuana again. Senor, put down your bong.

DQ. No, man, I’m gonna smoke him out. He needs to chill. (he exits.)

SANCHO. Senor… (he sighs resignedly. he pulls out a brownie and starts eating it. )

DQ (offstage). Dude, just chill and take a hit, man. It’s good shit, man, not this schwaggy stuff you get around here. It’s Mexican. No, dude, it’s cool. I’ll light it for you–aaaaaagggh! (Sancho winces. DQ reenters, somewhat battered.)

DQ. Dude started tripping on me, man. I need to smoke a bowl. (DQ tries to light his bong, but it is too long. He struggles for a while, then turns to ask Sancho for help, but Sancho has gone to sleep. DQ turns to the audience.)

DQ. To dream…the impossible dream
To light…the unreachable bowl
To smoke…the unsmokable ganja
To roll…joints the brave do not roll
This is my quest…to light up my bong…
No matter how well-packed…no matter how long…
To reach…the unreachable…(Pause. Extremely off-key.) nooooootttteeee!

(Boos and hisses. Sancho and DQ are dragged off stage.)

Originally performed by The Fifth Humour